HOLD ON...BEFORE YOU MARRY MUMMY

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BONDEDHOME has a special gift for the writer of the 100th and 200th comment on this story. Note: ONLY CONSTRUCTIVE & RELEVANT COMMENTS WOULD BE CONSIDERED. As you drop a comment add a valid email address. Happy New Year 

I trust your week has been splendid with the Christmas celebrations nicely tucked in while we welcome one of our best years ahead.

Kindly read Derrick's' story keenly as it appears his case is unique.

Please read on...
"Four years ago when Nkechi and I were to get married, my family and friends had very mixed, turpsy-turvic feeling about us.

They supported me not US. Since it was my call, they all pretended to be happy for me. My wife as at then was 39 while I was 30. She was my new boss at the office and we got along really quick. I was cock sure it was love. Although she sounded like she needed to get married as soon as possible but I didn't see any problem with that. Its only normal. Nkechi possesses the beauty of a decorated queen and her maturity caught me. Let me not bore you.

Right now, my wife looks like a deserted queen. She is 44 and I am now 35. We have found it difficult to conceive, and to worsen it, I decided to leave the job as the company policy does not allow couples and as she is already a boss, I decided to look elsewhere using her contacts. So far, all the appointments I have got has been temporary and this time, I have been out of job for the longest time. I am very frustrated.

 Now, my wife has suddenly become distant or am I the one staying away?She tries to mother me rudely as if I were a kid.

I really cant tell what the problem really is, I don't have cash, she is not releasing cash under the guise that all the money is being spent on her health, we don't have any child, everyone is crossed with me and us, my parents want me to take another wife, infact a virgin, my wife now looks very unattractive, she is just like my aunty, old and now insultive. Gosh, i was so blind. Please tell me, can i ever get out of this? Truly I need fresh breathe. I am considering telling her to walk out of my life but the Nkechi I know is not a push over, especially with court marriage in place. Please advice me. I will be reading everyday. Thank you"

You have read it, kindly be as candid as you can ever be.

Is it okay for a man to marry a woman older than him?

What extent of influence should family and friends have one's' choice of partner?

Can an older lady actually submit to a younger guy in marriage?

Advice Derrick...

The floor is now open

All text on this blog are original work of bondedhome. Usage or re-print of any sort is not allowed without express permission from bondedhome admin.  

TELLING TRUTHFUL LIES

My dearest reader,i say a very dearie merry Xmas to you and a prosperous 2014.This week, thoughts of secrecy had sway and as usual, permit me to get your take on this. 

If you had several abortions before you got into this new relationship that is already headed to the altar, would you tell it all?

If your ex wife left you because you had an incurable low sperm count situation, would yout tell it all to your new beauty queen?

If your husbands best man made passes at you  on your bachelors eve night, would you tell your husband to be?

If you have an ongoing affair that now has a child to it, would you tell it all?

If your spouse is in a very dubious line of business? Would you tell it all?

If your spouse is a public office holder and he embezzles public funds, would you tell it all?

Would you go to the police if you found a bag of money in a cab?

If you discovered that your partner is gay, would you tell it all?

If you are lesbian, and marriage pressure finally catches up with you, will you tell your spouse you still lesbianize?

Can you tell anyone that you masturbate often?

Is it known to your spouse, inspite of her gyming to stay fit and trim,that you prefer a physique more robust than she is?

Can you ever tell anyone that you have blood on your hands?

Can anyone open up to all, that their source of wealth is fetish?

If you told your suitor or spinster all there is to you, wont they take off?

Secrets seem to adorn themselves with a great clout of evil, mischief, self-centredness, coupish moves, and always tempting one to justifying the need to tell a lie.

Once revealed they can be major trust-breakers even with more grave consequences. People who are ardent secret keepers can go any lenght to keep the secret secret.

Please pray hard not to get in the way of their secrets. In worst cases, they might even come after one's life just to keep the information to themselves.

A blown up secret often leaves sores and scars that are  indelible, irrepairable and in some cases trigger some sort of vengeance.

I am wondering if there could ever be sincere reasons to tell a lie, or a chain of lies? some call it truthful lies, diplomacy, information management, classified information and so on.

For spouses, can there be a justified reason to lie or keep secrets as the case may be? Are some information not kept in the dark to avert trouble?

Lets talk about this

The floor is now open.

INTER-TRIBAL MARRIAGE WAR

The thought of an inter tribal marriage to some would pass for a taboo. Don’t blame or judge them so fast, people have experiences and they have reasoned out some principles that would guide their lives so that they don’t fall into that pit anymore. Regretfully, I want to cite the Warri Crisis of 2000-2002 where tribal killings was the order of the day. It got so bad that Itsekiri women that were married to Urhobo men were killed regardless of the blood mix. On the other side too, Urhobo women married to the Itsekiris were not spared by the Itsekiris. It was a massacre. Now, put yourself in the shoes of anyone who has this kind of experiences, would you advocate inter tribal marriage?

On the contrary, in this modern day  where State of origins have become  useful only for mentions as locations, a person who is still restricted to a point of nursing the slightest prejudice to anyone from another tribe  can be justifiably referred to as  an illiterate racist.

Times have changed and it is still mentioned till date that preferential treatment and consideration is given to a lady getting married to same tribe man as the man also would be treated in same light. The in-laws are bound by ethnicity even before their children take the new bond.

Many homes with inter-tribal marriages have had the challenges of what language the children speak, what culture they imbibe and so on...albeit the father would always want the children to reflect his tradition but because he is never home, the woman by default would teach them her culture.

Another crucial issue is that of in-laws speaking the local language to the seeming "deafness" of the other partner...which in most cases ends up as a misconstrue of issues.

No doubt, the success of inter or Intra-tribal marriages do not lie in the hands of their tribes but the people involved, let us look through the issues that are key in these choices. 

Give your take pls.

Is it okay to marry from other tribes? What did you consider before staying with your present partner?

The floor is now open.

CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS DESPERATELY

Celebrations have become a vital part of our lives as people celebrate for all kinds of reasons. Once there is an interpretation connoting satisfaction and a financial calculation that shows some comfortable digits, why not? A party or an elaborate show of gratitude to God would not be out of place.

In a taxi during the week, I overheard two young men speaking one of our three major languages in a region where its not lingua franca, but thank God, yours sincerely is fluent in two or more Nigerian languages...they complained of how this year has not been such a great year for them and how they cannot go to the village without a car, without enough cash to show that they have done well within the year, one of them stated how his parents would be expecting him to bring one of his younger one over and business has been very bad...the complain kept rolling...

they even said, it is risky for one to go home these days with just sufficient cash, that you need extra, infact excess cash because you never can tell when subsidy would be yanked off and finally with a determined face, one said he has decided that " anyone who leaves his wallet carelessly may not find his pocket again, anyone who doesnt park well may not find his car anymore"...instead of celebrating a broke xmas, he would do whatever needs to be done within this short period. On hearing this, i quickly checked my wallet to be sure it was still on me.

Contrary to the real reason of the season,many people have turned it into a show of wealth, whether ill-gotten or not. This syndrome ripples into desperation among the non-capable ones who have also refused to cut their coat according to their cloth. They feel oppressed and become determined to go any length to become undepressed and become capable of rubbing shoulders with the supposed successful ones. Thus young men start stealing from people, young girls and ladies fall cheaper just to get paid after some sexual transactions among other shocking vices. All these would simply still pass as occurrences in the festive mood, it is allowed, it is a normal thing.                      

The society seems to have adopted show-off as a replacement to celebration of the birth of Christ. Please evaluate your knowledge and understanding of Christmas and be sure you are celebrating rightly and for the right reasons. Is Christmas a time to show how successful your year was and rob it deep on others? is it a time that people should take to crime just to meet up ?

What is Christmas to you ?

How should we go about the celebrations?

The floor is now open

HOW POLYGAMY RUINS US

Most people who have step brothers and sisters do not actually love them as much as they profess. It is extremely difficult to find true coherency between them. In some other cases where the step siblings decide not to pretend, with the aid of their mothers, they go as far as staging wars against themselves, sometimes very diabolic orchestrations that can cause eternal harm to one another.

Please correct me if you have seen any where a large polygamous family is devoid of strife, envy, rivalry, constant rancour and epileptic peace.       Polygamy by the Nigerian law, where couples are married by the court is viewed as a punishable offence called bigamy.  Nigerianizing it further, the economy doesn't encourage it and it is also authoritative that Christianity teaches that "and two shall become one", the court is also against it, only Islam permits it yet with a noble condition- that you love all wives equally. How then can one love two or more women equally?

The effects of polygamy goes beyond the individuals involved. Dont forget that they have been through a lot of emotional and financial insecurities, hence they tend to become carriers of bad-blood, always ready to attack, create unnecessary violence, malice breeders, commotion peddlers… this is because they grew under a very tensed environment.           

Naturally, they extend it to others and then the society at large. It is not uncommon to find irresponsible fathers who still chase some young ladies out there while they recklessly abandon their own overpopulated polygamous homes. (I dont know if you have seen Fuji House of Commotion- that is a comic version of the reality)

 Bondedhome is of the opinion that if this trend is checked, some bad-blood breeders would be avoided and families will experience more peace to the favour of the society.

1. Simply give your take on how to make a successful polygamous home? Shocked? Okay, give your take on how polygamy can be managed?

2. What are the advantages of polygamy?

3. What are the disadvantages of polygamy?

4.Does the Advantages outweigh the disadvantages and vice versa?

5. Which is the lesser evil, a nuclear family with an affair or a full fledged polygamous setting?

6. Sincerely, which do you prefer. Nuclear or polygamous?

The floor is now opened.

RED ALERT : WHAT IS YOUR CHILD DOING ?

Children have proven themselves to be the fastest set of learners ever, even when they are evidently groping with the language, naturally underaged, very inquisitive and free for all information, their ability to learn is simply magnetic. But what is expected of a brain under construction? A relatively empty one at that; It is only natural that as  children grow, they fill up the brain with every iota of information available to their five human senses. To  see, hear, taste, feel and smell. They get very involved.

This moment in my opinion is the most crucial part of life. The formative stage. This is the time they ask questions, make endless enquiries and even proceed to trying out the information they have. Children are Doers.

It appears some adults handle this aspect of the child's life with some overbearing adult sense...so, its not uncommon to find children do everything adults do, they are dressed like adults, they dance like adults, they want to do even more of adult things than children experiences.

Dear bondedhomer, this thought line emanated from a mail i got from a lady, "my four year old daughter wants to wear explicit dresses, boots, skimpies and It burders me so much. I am trying as a parent but i dont know where the problem is from, what am i doing wrong? Because if she continues like this, i will kill her with my own hands, please can you put this on your blog so i can hear what people would advice ? She is just four, and for sure i feel she is a baby, please what age should i start going firm with her"

You may also want to watch this disturbing video I got somewhere.

Please give your candid advice as usual.

1. At what age should she start instilling discipline

2. Is there anything wrong with the child ?

The floor is now open

WHY WOMEN DONT MAKE FIRST SEX MOVE

"My wife would wait until I make the first move whenever and every time we need to make love. It always has to be me, even if she is obviously in the mood. I am still trying to unravel why she treats me so. While we dated, we followed the abstinence principle which was not easy but that appeared the ideal and religious way to do it.  It wasn't easy but I did it, we did it. That must have been the cause of this seemingly subtle emphatic rejection my wife now gives me. She waits helplessly like a not-well-liked wife, till I come begging to satisfy her urges...and over time, Its effect on me is that I now do it dutifully not willingly...with a tint of grudge and dissatisfaction as to why I have to be the one initiating it always and why she cannot just freely plant a kiss on my lips when she feels like it too..

Is this because we abstained before marriage? Or my wife is simply a pretender? Or she has a wrong teaching that it is strictly the man's duty to hunt...as for the hunting part, it might be true but gone are those days when men bragged about that...for God's sake, I want to be pampered too...

there is a boy in every man you know. Do not get me wrong, I love my wife. Our love life is not just as successful as I desire. I am thinking of confronting her...because these days, I started having the urge for some pornography...let me just face strange people who would beckon unto me than feel strange with someone I am married to"

My dear reader, you have read it. bondedhome opines that this is deeper than has been stated. It remains uncertain why he gets such reaction from his spouse but some pointers can be identified.

After all, arguably yet acceptable though, some ladies now propose marriages to men in very gentle tones, but clear enough for the dude to know he has been proposed to, women in some parts of the world do the payments to marry the grooms and all.

On the contrary, let us not be quick to castigate women, bondedhome found that some women assume they are judged to be cheap and labelled sex-freaks if they make the first move to the man. This is an African norm that has been handed down from generation to generation aimed at consciously making women loose sexual confidence or even become unresponsive to it. Worse still, some women are even circumcised for this exact reason of taming the" woman" in them.

These are no justifications but a food for thought for any partner who would pose under any Idea or ideal to deprive their partners good and committed love-making and for that partner that is unwilling to help their spouse improve.

You may be single, but surely won’t remain single forever.  This concerns you too.

Give your take on...

1. Is it wrong for a woman to make the first move?

2. Does it matter who makes the move?

3. Possible consequences of this to the home?

The floor is now open.

4. For the men,would you prefer an expressive woman or one that brings out the card in bits, either for naivety or pretence ? 

BANK WEDDING

Dear reader, last week was very explosive as our discussion almost got some people going physical if it were possible, but Thank God it all remained textual.

To some people, ‘’Bank Wedding’’ may not appear troublesome, but judging from our economy, per capita income and the fact that it is almost compulsory that people get married properly, I mean religiously in front of God and man, the topic might pose a real threat to happiness for others.

My wife is an Events Manager and she is always flanked by intending couples. Mostly, she is involved in the planning from scratch to the D-Day. One evening, I found myself looking through her bag for something... don't ask me what...**winks**and I came across this very alarming wedding budget...the budget stood at 15.5M, whatttt? and wowwww!!!! at same time, i giggled; within me, i rejoiced..."Money Cometh..." So i quickly removed that one and started thinking ahead for wifee, how she would really satisfy this very big client. As soon as she came, I asked " Babe, you didnt mention this big client to me, the one with the 15.5M budget" She started laughing..."Don't mind them, the guy just got a job with a bank and the lady is a receptionist in a construction company, they can't raise that kind of money. Infact, we have been on this issue of budget for a very long time , whenever I talk of pruning it down, the man would say, they don't have the money but they are believing God, they are trusting that people would donate towards the wedding lavishly when the time is very close"...                      

I was shocked to hear these...

I gathered that the couple seem to be of the opinion that wedding is a once-in-life-time event and it has to be memorable even if it means taking a loan to make it happen. This idea sounds very bizarre as It is no longer news that these days, many couples have had to spend their first six to twelve months sorting out loans and still paying for services rendered to them during their wedding, thus setting in a very unpleasant time, full of depression.

Why would anyone because of a borrowed culture in the name of white wedding break the bank and go hungry knowing that everyone would walk away after enjoying your barbecue and perhaps give you gifts like shower caps, warmers, shaving sticks, toothpaste, dirt parkers and may be one or two real gifts like freezers etc?

Many eligible men and women remain single today because they have made the society their standard, they would rather meet up with the expectations of other people than accept their cadre and just be prudent about their wedding plans...

Behold thee, thy list...Goodluck

QUESTIONS

How much financial attention should we accord the white-wedding considering that we are not ‘’whites’’?

Which one should supercede the other, traditional wedding or white wedding ?

When would you consider a wedding an extravagant one ?

Would you take a loan for a wedding ?
The floor is now open.

FINANCIAL MANIPULATION…Any justification?

Dearest reader, i thank you once again for visiting bondedhome. It is very encouraging knowing that you come around. On this weeks' stories, permit me to ask you a favor. Kindly drop a comment for our victims as they really look up to this. 

During the week, a couple got into a very serious argument which although did not end up in a physical fight, saw the womans' properties being flung out of the house. Justified or not? We cannot tell yet.

News later came that the man, Barr. Sam had attended their childrens' school PTA meeting and while other parents complained to the authorities that they planned increasing school fees from N98,000 to N125,000 without any new facility on ground, our dear Barr. Sam got the shock of his life. "Excuse me gentlemen, there seem to be a missing link here...I have two children in this school and for the past two years, I have always paid N235,000, so i am surprised at what is being said here" Barr. Sam fumed. The Proprietress took it up "Sir, I know your children, Anthonia in Basic 3, and Iyke in Basic 4, what they should pay is N98,000 and nothing more. Sir, do you have any proof to this effect?" She asked Barr.Sam. "Of course, I have all the receipts from the school" At this point, every one knew indeed there is a missing link. "We do not issue receipts at all, we accept bank tellers from parents after payment is done into our bank account" the Proprietress confirmed.

Meaning, his wife pays the exact figure into the bank and gives him another figure on a well printed receipt bearing the school's name.

                                                          

As I shared this with a colleague, she had a bitter story to tell.

It was that of her friend, Yejide whose husband had been out of job for almost 10 years and all efforts have remained abortive. Yejide and her husband Felix have remained childless so this made the burden of fending not too heavy as it was just two of them. Yejide being a top bank official accessed a very huge loan on Felixs' suggestion that they built a house to secure their future.

The interesting part of the house arrangement was that the couple decided to name the property after their "unborn children" Ayomide and Oluwaseyi"- these are the names they intend naming their children when they come.

Two years down the line, Felixs' people, precisely his mother, and his uncles came "visiting". They had with them a beautiful lady and two lovely kids.

''Yejide these last twelve years with you in our son's life has been unproductive and filled with bad luck. Since he married you, no work, no child, nothing...but we thank God for the wisdom He has given our son, he is the true son of his father...you see this lady? She is Abeke, your husband's wife and these two, Oluwaseyi and Ayomide are their lovely children, ehhhn he told us that he built this house for his children and now the children are overdue to live in their house with their father and mother together...you seem to be the odd one out...so...get everything that is yours in this house and take your leave"

his uncle spoke.

Yejide at this point realized she has been cajoled by her husband of many years...he named his out-of-wedlock children the exact names they agreed on naming their children when they come; the exact names on the property document.

These stories bothered me...so i decided to share with you. My questions therefore are

1. What extent of trust should you have in your spouse on financial issues?

2. Should couples co-own properties?

3. Is it a wise idea to monitor your spouse's spendings?

The floor is now open. Please make your candid comment as the victims are following.

VACANCIES FOR SEVERAL POSITIONS: Deadline 8th February, 2014

When are we going to stop clicking these jobs sites? Will that day ever come? Clicking them may not be the exact problem, what infuriates is the helpless dependence that the applicant puts on the "submit" key viz a viz the painful fact that most of these sites are mere scams and NEVER get to make recruitment possible for any applicant.

But what is expected of a graduate apart from getting a job? Checking job sites is in the right direction you might say. Statistically, how many graduates have got jobs from these media?

You can ask around, how many got online jobs...It would be an understatement to say there are no jobs out there or else, how do you reconcile that people qualified with Doctorate Degrees applied to be drivers in Dangote's firm recently, how do we cope with some private schools charging as high as 650k for a session, only for their graduates to end up "clicking" job sites too.         

Is it not abnormal to find people working outside their disciplines? Engineers as Salesmen or bankers, pharmacists in call centers  zoologists in banks, geologists in sales departments, lawyers as customer care agents and so on. The list is endless.. the popular saying right now is that Nigerian graduates are unemployable; sad as this sounds, it might be true. As most graduates have only studied to pass courses, they have learnt nothing about Character.  Connoting, i mean every other method of survival apart from "ink on paper".            

Let us compare again...how many graduates with white collar jobs actually make more money than the roadside mechanic or the fashion designer down the street or even the bus driver on the high way?.

These days, academic success no longer guarantee financial success. What then guarantees success? Isnt it high time we channeled our skills into VOCATIONAL practises?. Those things that come to you naturally, things you are really interested in, those abilities you exhibit without stress, skills that you posses more than many people around you. Everyone sure has one like this. If you have not located yours and you think its too late to find it, then create your own business no matter how small. The only way to start is to start.

Your formal education should be harnessed into making your vocational abilities a world class brand. Permit me to mention some popular names who have made wealth following their talents not their formal education.. A few among others are Late Sir Fatai Rolling Dollar, Late Alhaji Sikiru Ayinde Barrister, Timaya, John Mikel, Otunba K1 Alabi Pasuma, Tuface Innocent Idibia, Tara Durotoye, MUDI fashion, Ara, the lady Talking Drummer and even PSquare, who graduated from UniAbuja...so many others that you know. It may be in sports, music, arts and crafts, agriculture, business or any creative venture. Take a step now and start something.

My dear reader, this is the job i advertised. The first step of being your own boss is to START STARTING.

Questions to consider..                      

Is formal education a right or a privilege?                            

Does formal education guarantee financial success?

Formal Education: Only way to financial success?

In Nigeria today, how relevant are certificates?

The floor is now open

WOULD YOU ACCEPT FAVORS FROM YOUR EX-LOVER?

I am privileged to have you here, so i say a very big thank you for visiting; i hope to have you again and again and again...our elders say a story can only be told to another, not one's self.              

This week’s discourse is an ex-ray of how we manage relationships when they seem to be worn-out but still find their way into our present.                                     

People we once shared intimacy with and aspired to be with them forever but broke up for one reason or the other. People we spent several years of commitment with and people who made us really happy. But as God would have it, these relationships could not stand the test of time and were overtaken. Now, many of us found better replacements...as that explains why we are with them today and not our ex's.

This being said, it has been observed that it is highly impossible to "unknow" these set of people. So, we still once in a while call them up secretly, maybe not for any mischievous intentions (without the knowledge of our present partners), some people even hook up, spend time and some go as far as seeking favors from their ex's' for their present spouses, this is a common one with women. The woman contacts her ex, who is now powerfully placed to assist her new partner, to do him a favor, like get him a job or facilitate a needed contact etc. On the part of the men, some of them complain of their relationships to their ex-lovers, some still remain somewhat financially committed to them, if still single, sometimes married, they go complaining of their current relationships seeking pity and succor from their ex’s. Some even go as far as getting intimate with their ex's'.

I am sure you must have read or seen blazing headlines like this on our newspapers... MAN BATHS WIFE IN ACID OUT OF JEALOUSY! HUSBAND STABS WIFE FOR TALKING TO OTHER MEN! WOMEN FIGHT NAKED OVER MEN! WOMAN POISONS HUSBAND FOR CHEATING! EX-LOVER KILLS WOMAN'S HUSBAND! and even more horrible ones.

This is not to write-off the possibilities of healthy relationships between ex- lovers as some even become family friends at some point. This however remains very rare.

We all fall in these dual categories...You are with someone now, same time ex-lover to someone.  

Questionnaire therefore... 

Is it ideal for lovers to get favors from their ex lovers for their current lovers? 

Is it healthy to be in touch with your ex-lover?, 

Where understanding seems to be expressed from current lover over contact with ex-lover, that is when he/she is aware, could jealousy not be breeding? 

If one must be in touch, what should we look out for?

 Are there boundaries?

The floor is now open.