WHERE SHOULD FRIENDS SIT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? FRONT, BACK, SIDEWAYS OR NOWHERE.

‘’I sit here alone, sad, confused, angry and boiling. All for what?

I am a devoted Christian brother and I love the lord with all my heart. Nancy and I are talking about marriage already and everything seems to be running smoothly until I introduced her to some of my old friends who she happens to know and started scheming to make me stop seeing them...meanwhile, my friends were clamoring for a time-alone with me...I put one and two together and figured there must be something I need to hear. Nancy wants me off them while they want me to meet them.

I arranged the meeting without Nancy... and after their modest delay, the started talking..."They told me how Nancy was gang-raped in her third year and how she went away and never came back to finish her degree and how she is not the best lady I can get around. The worst part of it was that the rape-video was released and it went viral...’’

 

‘’Right now, I am at cross-roads as to what to do now...I am really not comfortable with the fact that she has not told me this by herself...as my friends claimed they can get the video if I really need to see it. Hmmm. Should I just confront her or let it go since its in the past...but if I do let it go...how would my friends see me? I am just tired’’

Now I really cant say if hearing the Nancy's secret was best for me. We have come a long way. I don't want things ruined but I cant cope with this kind of information which she has not still opened up to me till now. I don't blame my friends, if I were in their shoes, I would have told them too. Whatever they told me was for my own protection.

Please @bondbetter I need advice.

 

Please advice this young man.      

What level of information should a lady tell a guy before while dating?

At some point, would one need the approval of friends to stay in a relationship?

What role should friends play in your relationship?
Is it proper for a friend to aid or influence your decisions concerning your relationship?
Aren't there friends who can advice meaningfully?

 

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Re-incarnation...Superstition or Mystery of Life?

Do people really reincarnate?

 

This one beats my imagination. It’s a common happening, or should I call it Fairy tale?  in Africa to hear that someone you have been with turns out to be someone already dead and buried elsewhere, somewhere, another city entirely.

 

"I woke up still gasping for breath and wished I stayed dead in my death because there is really no need staying alive. Where will I start from? I started to scream. The nurses rushed in and tied me to the bed. Was I running insane? I couldn't tell. I just knew that something huge had gone wrong.

 

Ilesanmi and I have been together for about two years, we moved in together two years ago, he promised to marry me when he is buoyant enough and now seems to be the time as many jobs fell through for him last year. In all our stay, I have not met anyone related to him; neither did I see any photograph. Yet he spoke of them so lavishly and says he doesn't want me to talk to them on the phone until we met. So, I let all my guards down. Who wouldn't for a very good looking, charming, six packed tummy, young CEO and sweet talking guy like Ilesanmi?

 

We started planning marriage and there was need to meet his people before they come meeting my people to ask for my hands in marriage. We left Lagos for Ekiti. Ilesanmi drove all the way to their family house and as we were about making a bend, he exclaimed, he had forgotten his father’s best wine and that he can't go in without it, he needs to get it somewhere around and that he would be right back and that I should just go on, the whole family have gathered earnestly waiting for us, especially me. I didn't even give it a second thought; I just jumped out of the car and dashed to the gate...

 

Waiting... Waiting... NOW EVERYONE has gathered. They told me Ilesanmi, the young man I am describing with that name and photographs on my phone and this house he has brought me...is indeed their son but died 11 years ago when they were at Ivory Coast.

The nurses were trying to calm me down as I screamed and yelled trying to injure myself or even pass away, one of them said "Madamu, pele pele o,(meaning take it easy) because of the baby"

 

People, I had to edit this one. Like I said earlier, this one beats my imagination...Is this one whole superstitious piece of extensive hallucination...or what?... yet she is pregnant...do these things really happen?                                             

 

She is considering an abortion or have the baby and name him Ilesanmi...and live with it...yet she cannot bear the trauma of having that episode unfinished…

 

What is the next step?

Let's reply her here.

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NAMING CEREMONY GONE WRONG?

Let me ask you a riddle. "I am something, I belong to you but others use me more than you use me...What Am I?"

What is the effect of a name on ones' life?...Are names just mere items of identification? Would it surprise you to know that some people don't know the meanings of their names... Do names in anyway contribute to the over-all turn out of our lives? Would it be superstitious to say a name has a huge effect on one's life? Should we really keep bearing the names of some great great grand parents we never met?

I am aware that most African names are hinged on experiences, expectations, current situation of the parents and sometimes, traditional influences of the parents. Yet, are these the most germane things to consider when naming a child?.I am sure you know one or two persons who bear names you would not like to be called...I may not want to mention names...

Unlike most names from the Western World like, Cup, Pit, Pat, Pet, Putt etc, that appears vague to us, African names are mostly phrases, sentences and sometimes a full-fledged story encoded in one word. However, the bearer, in this context, the child has no fore-knowledge of it, remains unaware of the name until maturity and may be compelled to stay with the name throughout life-time.

In a case where you are now of age and you are not satisfied with the import your name brings, would you be wrong to "edit,delete,undo or re-invent" a name for yourself?

I brought this to your purview because I met someone with a name so odd that he couldn't say it confidently, he had to start some sort of explanation about his ancestors and all...his name turns out scary... The guys name is "Onwu" in Ibo, meaning "Death" and he said "forget about the surname" I figured it could have been worse. I pressed a bit and he told me its their great grand father's name who was a great warrior and diviner of one the major shrines in his village...Deep Breath!...Why don't you do something about it? I asked. " I suggested it to my father once and he threatened to disown me if I try to bear any other name" It was very clear this man was in great displeasure about what his name offered.

Please share your views

You may have one negated name but please spare your child the trouble, risk and doom-drive. Ensure that the naming ceremony which the child did not really partake remains a source of celebration for the child everyday of life.

Check out Jabez

1 Chronicles 4:9

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DID DADDY CHOOSE FOR YOU?

‘’I have a feeling that I am not living my life to its full potentials.  I am simply lost in this field I find myself. When I was young, I was a television freak and I would imagine myself being the man at the news desk, the man in the advert, the voice narrating the advert and all. Not long, I became a renowned story teller in my school. I was very creative. Whenever teachers were tired and they needed a very creative and educative distraction in the class, they'll simply call on me and say, "Richy, please tell us a story". Without any fore-knowledge or whatever, I move to the front of the class and the story begins...even though the stories usually have no end...the teachers and my class mates enjoyed my creative fables...then I started writing short stories, poems, rhymes...

As at this moment, I work in a lab. where I carry out tests to aid precise treatment. Is it paying my bills? Yes, Am I satisfied? No way.

My father never saw anything good in my abilities, despite all the remarks from my teachers both in primary and junior secondary school that I would thrive in the Arts, my father still insisted that I must became a medical doctor hence be in the sciences in my senior secondary classes.

I said I wanted to be in the arts so I could become a broadcaster, he slammed me, saying, ‘’arts is for lazy people, are you lazy?’’ I responded ‘’No Sir’’, ''I am not lazy''...He wanted me to be a medical doctor by all means. It was a tough one as I couldn't meet up and I ended as a lab scientist which he still considers as failure on my part till date..."

I feel like a captive living out my fathers life and desires and not my own life. Even if I want to follow my dreams, where and how can I start now?’’

You have read it all. Many of us may have similar experiences. Since the responsibility of raising the child falls directly on them, Is it a wrong thing for parents to choose  career paths for their children?  Let us not also undermine the fact that some parents have led their children to success, even though they are living out dad and mum's dream.

Changing career path is not such an easy one. What should people with this situation do? Personally, how would you love to direct your kids?

Please share your views.

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ANY ISSUES RAISING AFRICAN CHILDREN ABROAD?

I was at a wedding over the weekend and I witnessed a  scenario that not only stunned me but left me thinking. You should read this and give a second thought before sending your child off to the West...

 

Before I let you in, look at these  questions. When is the best time to send your child abroad? Is it from childhood? After secondary school or after graduating from University? What are the challenges raising African Children abroad?

 

As the wedding reception unfolded and everyone dinned and wined, a very beautiful, polish skinned, foreign accented woman walked briskly outside trying to receive a call. Suddenly, we heard a very loud scream...she drew attention, her husband had joined her, picked up the phone too and with a foreign accent started yelling. “What is it, what is it Nina?... What did you say to your mum Nina?” Nina called Nigeria to tell her parents that her only sister, Nino had just drugged herself and she is no longer breathing; and she dropped a note claiming she had to “did what she did” because her parents would not let her marry the Indian guy, she truly loves...the love of her life.

 With the woman now in tears and people now gathered, the man drops the "Oyinbo" accent and faced his wife..."You see, you did not raise my children well. Your child committed suicide, just because I was protecting her from an unknown Indian man with strange culture" his wife responds, without the oyinbo accent too. "You dare blame me? Did I not warn you that we should raise our children with my sisters back home and ask them over when they come of age? Did you agree? Now you call her my daughter". "They started fighting and people, their relatives managed them away from public view.

 

Now my thoughts, what factors make it more difficult raising children abroad?

No matter where the child is raised, isn't it the parents duty to train up the child in God's way?

Despite our "leadership" situation in Africa, it appears we still have high moral values compared to other parts.

Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 29:15
The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

Proverbs 13:24

Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.

 

From any perspective, please share your views.

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LIVE - IN LOVERS, LIVING IN TROUBLE

As I headed home from church on Sunday, I saw something that looked like a street fight, spreading like wild fire. Trust me to enquire what was "gwan". It turned out to be a menace that is fast eating up the youths these days... On a closer range, a lady, I understand they call her Tami, was been forced out of by her brothers and her mum from her live-in lover's house. And guess what, SHE WAS RESISTANT. 

She insisted she is going no where, neither is he packing out. I heard her mum lamenting..."Tami, no be so dem dey marry man, if he wan marry you, make e come pay your dowry, your papa pay my dowry" meanwhile, her brothers were trying to attack her lover and Tami insisted they ll have to kill her first before touching him.

Well, I gathered that Tami and her boyfriend, Austin, both students of a Tertiary institution have been cohabiting as "husband and wife" without any form of traditional commitment or whatsoever, and of course without the knowledge of their parents and family members. News even have it that she has had to abort twice and almost lost her life on the second one. She fetches water, cooks, wash his cloths, organise the house, warm his bed and gets beaten on the slightest situation, yet she is constantly monitoring him against other girls.

Despite her academics suffering brutally she is still hell-bent on staying with Austin no matter what anyone says. One of the compound women says to Tami's mother, "make una comot una pikin for this boy hand o,or pursue the boy comot for una pikin house o, because the way e dey beat am ehn, one day e go just kill am" while that was on, Tami's resistance has triggered her brother to slap her ruthlessly...Austin fights back and there is total chaos...Tami screams, "you people should leave my husband alone o, to get a husband is not easy o"...

A well-beaten Austin responds, "your husband? When did we get married? Who would marry a lady like you with these hoodlums as your brothers?... You could see visible flame on their heads...Tami, flared up, went for his jugular, "you must be joking, after all I have done for you, after you have seen everything" PANDEMONIUM. It went gaga...

You must have seen one or two of these kind of relationships, share your bit with us.

ECCL 3.1 For everything, there is a season, a time for every purpose under the heaven.

Why do people Live-in when they are NOT married?

Is it a wrong thing to do?

Do they ever lead to marriage?

What are the consequences of this kind of relationship?

The floor is now open

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WHY YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM SHADY DEALS

Wura and her mother are in the bedroom...Wuras’ tears are almost filling a bowl now. She sobs on.

Mammi - Wura, these tears would not bring a solution to whatever it is that is making you cry. No matter what it is...it has to be spoken in words. Speak my child, open up to me, I am your mother and I will not kill you. Wura, did your husband catch you with another man? Or does he have other children out there? Tell me Wura... What is it?

Wura - Mammi, If only it had to do with that, I would not be worried at all.

Mammi - Then, what is it? Please go straight to the point before you give me hypertension here.

Wura - Mammi, Dapo has brought trouble to our home o.

Mammi - How? What has he done this time? Ahh Dapo, ma pa omo mi fun mi- meaning...Dapo, do not kill my child for me.

Wura - Mammi, this Sunday, after church, we got home and everyone was tired and needed rest. Dapo got on the bed and slept off almost immediately.

Mammi - ok?

Wura - Then his phone started ringing. Someone kept on calling continuously. I don't usually pick his phone so I put it on silence and proceeded to Tade's room to tell him to iron his school uniforms now that the light was on and I made sure he started ironing the first shirt before I left his room. By the time I got upstairs Mammi, my husband's phone has rung eleven more times by same number. So I decided to call back at least to tell the person that my husband would call back when he is awake. Before I could dial, the call came in again from that number and I picked it.

Mammi- Yes, so who is that person that is calling as if he is being owed money or what kind of wahala is that? Its only doctors that I know are called like that...abi has Dapo become a doctor?

Wura- Mammi, the person started "Now you don't want to pick my calls right? You think you can make away with our money just like that?" You son of a bitch accountant. Now let me warn you...time for warning has passed. You have touched the tail of the python, so expect its venom" Mammi, at this point, I Screamed Yeee, Mogbe...Dapo...the man went on and said...’’Madam, I pity you and your only child’’

Mammi - Yee, mogbe, my only grand child. Ahh! What has your husband done?

Wura - Mammi, then I woke him and told him what just happened, he said I should ignore them, they are some of his greedy business associates and that they can't do anything.

Mammi - Ask him very well, let him confess what he has done and go and give them their money back immediately. Are you people not rich enough? Why is he owing somebody money?

Wura - Mammi, just yesterday the security man brought an envelope and it was addressed to me. So I opened it and guess what I saw Mammi.

Mammi - What's inside the envelope, tell me...

Wura- Two pictures of Tade...

Mammi- Yeee! Tade? Haaa. Dapo has finished me.

Wura- The first picture shows Tade arriving at school in the morning and the other one of the him entering the car after school.

Mammi- They are monitoring my grandchild? For what? What has he done to them? Give me your phone let me call Dapo right away.

Wura- Mammi, Dapo has switched off his phone for a while now, so that he cannot be reached. Mammi, they also added a short note saying "tell your husband to give us our money or say good bye to your son Olutade Oladapo''

Mammi- Screams...Haaa Dapo..Dapo has finished me.

Wura- Resumes her tears...

Now the bowl might just get filled as both mother and child are sobbing.

You have read it.                               

What should Wura do? Tell the police and possibly get the husband sacked and jailed? Or

keep quiet and risk their only son's death ?

When couples discover that their partners are into crimes, what should they do?

1 Timothy 6:9-10

But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs -

Bondedhome Counsellors, please advice Wura, her husband and every other couple who might be experiencing such.

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