I am a devoted Christian brother and I
love the lord with all my heart. Nancy and I are talking about marriage already
and everything seems to be running smoothly until I introduced her to some of
my old friends who she happens to know and started scheming to make me stop
seeing them...meanwhile, my friends were clamoring for a time-alone with
me...I put one and two together and figured there must be something I need to
hear. Nancy wants me off them while they want me to meet them.
I arranged the
meeting without Nancy... and after their modest delay, the started
talking..."They told me how Nancy was gang-raped in her third year and how
she went away and never came back to finish her degree and how she is not the
best lady I can get around. The worst part of it was that the rape-video was
released and it went viral...’’
‘’Right now, I am at cross-roads as to
what to do now...I am really not comfortable with the fact that she has not
told me this by herself...as my friends claimed they can get the video if I
really need to see it. Hmmm. Should I just confront her or let it go since its
in the past...but if I do let it go...how would my friends see me? I am just
tired’’
Now I really cant say if hearing the Nancy's secret was best for me. We have come a long way. I don't want things ruined but I cant cope with this kind of information which she has not still opened up to me till now. I don't blame my friends, if I were in their shoes, I would have told them too. Whatever they told me was for my own protection.
Please @bondbetter I need advice.
Please advice this
young man.
What level of information should a lady tell a guy before while dating?
At some point, would one need the approval
of friends to stay in a relationship?
What role should friends play in your
relationship?Is it proper for a friend to aid or influence your decisions concerning your relationship?
Aren't there friends who can advice meaningfully?
The lady should have opened up before now but the focus should be on helping her heal. The guy should lovingly help her open up, not with judgement but with an understanding heart. No matter how rough a girl is, no girl wants to be raped, how much more gang raped.
ReplyDeleteYou are the one dating Nancy not your friends. Whatever she was in the past, you are dating her present. If you think she's a nice woman, then go ahead and resolve this. Every relationship has its challenges. This might be yours. God might also want to use you to help her heal. She doesn't want to see them because no girl wants a reminder of a rape experience.
Then pray. Ask for direction. All the best, Brother.
Am sure nancy did not open up bcos of d shame,according to ur frnds she did not complete her degree in dat schl am sure it is bcos of SHAME,der is a lot of stigma attached to rape,am sure she is still suffering insyd of her,if u rilly love her help her thru dis trying time,stand by her,don't let ur "judgmental"frnds dictate 4 u,
ReplyDeleteAzzizat Akanji
i agree with Vivian and the other person that commented. nobody wants to be raped no matter aw bad the girl is. maybe she didnt tell u coz its a chapter in her life that she wouldnt ant to associate with. if u really love her then u wont let external forces determine wot happens in ur relationship. ask her in the most luving manner and let her pour out her heart to u. everyone has a past and in this case,it wasnt her fault!
ReplyDeletehelp her to heal and please dont judge her. may God help u and give u the wisdom to go about it all. wish u the best of luck
Please let us call a spade a spade. should she keep such info away from him so long? wouldn't that be manipulation? if she has such an issue she should have opened up knowing this place is a small world now. To be sincere, I may not go ahead personally, if not for anything, for the fact that my friends can still find the video if they want.
ReplyDeleteGod abego.
@Calistus, you shld fank bondedhome for this. it was for you.
ReplyDeletemarriage is for men not boys
Dude hold ur woman close, comfort her, be there for her, no one is perfect and she didn't choose what happened to her. She didn't open up for fear of loosing U and not for any manipulative reasons. Be strong and prayerful. Good luck
ReplyDeleteImma keep it simple...If I deeply love her, "nothing" can deter me from settling with her. Simple!
ReplyDeleteWonderful!!! My dear, this an opportunity for you to prove your love to her. Tell her what your friends told you, but in a loving and respectful manner. Let her know how much you love her by telling her that she's no more the person they raped. She's whole, healed, knew and belongs to you forever. Besides, NO HUMAN BEING HAS THE CAPACITY TO BE A SAINT EXCEPT THROUGH CHRIST. If we all start opening up our past, we'll all be shocked. God's Grace bro.
ReplyDeleteIn my candid opinion, I think there's more to nancy not opening up to her man. If the rape wus a mere coincidence, she wld have opened up to her man cos she knows she's found love and a shoulder to cry on. I smell a dead rat in the events that led to the rape. She may not have envisaged a gang rape but I fink she obviously had a hand in the pre-rape events, as a result of that its become a cankerworm in her closet! Let's not advice out of sentiments, for so many ladies, their past is a 'ready part' of their present- it jus never stays in the past! I have had a bitter experience. Marriage isn't JAMB lesson, u gotta look before u leap! #mybitonly
ReplyDeletePersonally, I don't think you shut your friends out completely. Except you already know that you have bad friends. the ones we call friends are often times suppose to be in the acquaintance zone. if they are real friends, they would surely mean well for you. Some friends are closer than your blood family members. so , if they have an input, I don't think that is a bad one...may be they shouldn't just be told everything. just my view, you don't have to take it for a blank cheque
ReplyDeleteWell, regarding what's happening this days, I think it's very important, a relationship is built on trust, truth, openness etc. Because if the lady have opened up before, and the guy eventually forgives, nothing can split dem at all. In terms of approval from frnds, it's the guy that is marrying nt his frnds, but at least one need to discuss some extent with frnds shaa for the sake of general happiness.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of role, I do not see any serious role of frends in relationshps that leads to marriage because it's a personal thing, thus the blame should be personal too.
Bros devoted Christian dont look at the past so you will be real brother when you call a meeting of Nancy and your friends there by relieave Nancy of her past by telling your friends your present status of Nancy.
ReplyDeleteFriends need no place in the family and they remain passers by
ReplyDelete